SUNK IN TOO DEEP IN THE SHADOWS

From exuberant and sturdy to depressing and musty in a split second, life never stops for a day and goes ‘hey!, how about I give these people a break?!,’ it rather journeys ceaselessly on an endless cycle, making stops only to sprinkle fiery droplets of pain to anyone unlucky enough to be in its way. It does this way too frequently and with such despicable precision that it would be a chore for one not to believe it endears the pain distribution process. 

Growing up, I chose to see life in a different light than others, chose to believe that it would treat me differently, that I was not like everyone else, I was a good girl, I was special, so definitely life had to treat me differently, that’s what I deserved.

I saw life like an animated character in a cartoon, where anything was possible, where I could lose an arm and it’d regenerate within seconds, where I could make things become, by using the power of my mind, where I would grow up to be excessively beautiful, meet my Prince Charming and we’d live happily ever after. 

Looking back, I realize I was a fool, a fool who had no idea she lived in a pendulous fantasy, a pure, unadulterated, and beautiful reverie, so stainless, yet standing on debilitated stilts, inadvertently setting herself up for a nasty fall. 

                                          •••

‘Chiiina!!!! china!, did you hear everything I have just said?,’ Siji, the secretary at my workplace announced in a disturbingly loud pitch.

 ‘Anyway, I’m going, seems like you don’t have my time today, it’s like you are in a trance, with this oblong head of yours,’ she said while air marking the shape of my head and chewing her gum in the most annoying way possible.

I smiled as she left my office. Siji is a character who doesn’t even have to try, she is my best friend, the only person asides my husband who makes me happy, I was really excited being her friend, I guess a part of me saw it as a privilege because Siji is very beautiful, flawlessly skinned, robust in the places the society wants women to be, she was the kind of beautiful that magazines craved to grace their covers with, she was always a man’s pick whenever we went out and then there was me China, regular, plane as a Jane and stiff as a board, one could perceive my ungraceful walking pattern from miles away, sometimes I felt that if I was like Siji, even if it was a minute of freaky Friday experience, I would like my body better.

 Although she did say she always envied me for my model-like features and gloriously caramel skin, I never saw nor admired it, neither did men, well except two men, my ex from my law school days and my husband, Mena. 

                                          •••

Mena was great, He was the first man to ever look at me and treat me like I mattered, like I was the last surviving one of an extinct species, his love was a pacifying nuzzle to my soul, patient, gentle and prideful in its graceful endearment.

We had been married for less than a year and it had been beautiful. He made me feel like I had no cares in this world, or at least I thought that’s the way the marriage would always be, was I wrong?, Yes, was I willing to admit it?, No.

It wasn’t until a few weeks after our 8th month anniversary that my fairytale princess make believe world started to crumble.

I had just gotten off the phone with my friend, Dira, who called to tell me she saw Mena at a restaurant being fairly intimate with another lady who she believed was at my wedding and she described as excessively light skinned with a bit of flesh and of average height.

I mean I didn’t know what to believe, on one hand, it could have been a female friend and Dira was just exaggerating and on the other hand, he could have been cheating fair and square, I chose to brush off ideas about the latter, it didn’t fit the narrative I had of him in my head. 

If Mena actually was cheating and if it was someone I knew, then the only person who fit that description and was at my wedding was Siji because my wedding didn’t attract a crowd, it was a family and friends situation, so I knew everyone who attended, why would Siji do this to me? and of all people, why Siji?, was it because she was better looking than myself?, I tried to take my mind away from it but my mind wouldn’t stop betraying me, tried to feign my fear that this may be true, acting oblivious to the situation set at my table.

I had seen the way she behaved around Mena, calm, collected, striving to repress her loud and jovial demeanor, it was like she was struggling to be something, even if it meant being a mere shadow of what she believed he would like. 

I remember what she said the first day she met him ‘hm China, you really bagged a good one with this man o, look at him, beautiful, elegant, smart, respectful and rich, I wish to be in your shoes, how did you do it?, does he have a brother?,’ thinking about it began to make me feel like she always wanted him and if she couldn’t get him, she was willing to manage a mediocre version of him, being ‘his brother’.

                                         •••

I spent more time at the firm than at home, working later hours in a bid not to meet Mena awake when I got home. I began to wake up earlier and leave for work earlier. 

He always called during the day to check on me, but that feeling I used to get seeing his midday calls at work had greatly diminished, I used to have tingly feelings, the same feeling I get after drinking top notch red wine, I used to have happy butterflies dancing in my belly but after several calls from Dira about how often she sees my husband and the light skinned lady at that restaurant during her lunch breaks, I didn’t know how to feel anymore and Siji was suddenly always in the office less during lunch time, with her excuse being that our boss makes her do a lot of run around for him.

 I wanted nothing more than to believe Siji but my mind and it’s constant betrayal were the devil. At this point, the dancing butterflies who hosted carnivals in my belly lost their mojo and died from lack of rejoicing.

Weeks had passed and I still hadn’t confronted him, although he kept asking what was wrong with me, I kept saying I was fine, I didn’t want to confront him without any proof, I was really considering telling Dira to take a picture of Mena and the lady the next time she sighted them together, Yes I was willing to go that far, I wasn’t ready for him to make me look like an insecure fool.

                                           •••

A cold and rainy Friday at work made me homesick, in as much as I was avoiding Mena at the moment, I wished to be in my bed, to be snuggled up in my beautiful, reddish wine satin sheets, which months ago, could pass for the color and comfort my heart was in but recently my heart had shape shifted into a sad bleeding mess drenched in its own pool of learned helplessness. 

I gave my watch a quick glance and figured it was lunch time, the perfect time to skedaddle, on my way out I peeked at Siji’s table, I noticed she was absent yet again, I didn’t even bother asking anyone where she was, I honestly didn’t want to fuel my anxiety any further. 

The drive home was easier than I thought with all the death trap pot holes camping in our roads, I stopped to get fruits at a small but surprisingly rowdy market just outside my Estate.

I couldn’t stop staring at the children  playing in the rain, taking turns to go under an awkwardly bent roofing sheet that was providing shower-like droplets and their mothers in their stalls dancing to old highlife tunes from a nearby music shop, here they were, poor but seemingly happy, carefree, and elated, while I go to spend the rest of my weekend in my comfortable mansion with my likely cheating husband, induced with sadness and anxious episodes.

                                      •••

I stepped into the house, surprised that it was open, wasn’t Mena at work?, I walked into the kitchen and plopped my fruits on the counter and called out his name severally but I got no response, I walked towards our room, hearing a familiar female voice, I paused just before opening the door to take a deep breath and prepare my mind for whatever was on the other side of the door while hoping that the voice was from the television.

I couldn’t believe what I saw, a naked Muna, Mena’s baby sister, lying on my bed, surprised by my presence she called in my husband, Mena came in from the bathroom and started to fidget, begging me not to leave, he wanted to explain some things to me. 

I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, my mind was the only thing in motion, my sweat glands were furious, like they had been waiting for this moment, they pushed out crystal beads of sweat to my forehead and above my upper lip, it was like I was in an alternate universe in my fairytale life, the world around me became really silent for a moment, allowing me to enjoy my confusion and denial before falling back into reality.

I took what I could lay my hands on and left for my mother’s house, I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. Mena was cheating but with his sister, who would have thought?, not me, anybody else but me.

                                         •••

It has been a week since I left Mena and his sister Muna at my house and came to live with my mother, I had received several letters from Mena since then, probably because I blocked him from calling and texting my line.

His letters were words strung together in a shameless motive to prove nonsense.

Tell me, how does one justify incest?

How does one tell his wife that he and his sister had always been in love and and their whole marriage was a tool used to cover up and hide the erroneous sexual comfort he has with his sister?

His first set of letters were letters of him begging and apologizing, then when I didn’t reply them, he sent other letters threatening me, he advised me not to spill what I saw to anyone or else I’ll live the rest of my life in rue of the day I was born.

How on earth will tell anyone words that I can’t even bring myself to say and still in denial of?

How did I dig this mess for myself?

Why was I in life’s path when it was giving rounds of pain?

Now it feels like I am on quick sand, falling and calling on someone, anyone, nobody is hearing me calling, my voice isn’t audible, I can’t hear myself, it’s like I’m screaming and everyone has on ear plugs, like the lights in their heads are on and nobody is home but I keep on calling, with high hopes that help is coming.

Everything here is foreign, I shouldn’t be here, I should be anywhere but here, I should be home. 

CHINWEKENE DANIEL UMEAKA❤️