YOU’RE LOST BUT I’M ALWAYS HERE

Nala’s POV

‘As soon as you hit rock bottom, people will make it a career to describe and disrespect you with every attribute you possess but the positive ones,’ mama used to say. 

It had always been one of mama’s repetitive life truths that I would experience sooner or later, as so, I learned to be expectant of life, living everyday, unbroken, like a farmer, unsure if the coming rains will adequately hydrate his crops or erode the grounds they were rooted seamlessly in. 

Mama’s words became a stinging, yet clearer reality during the time I spent as a live-in nurse taking care of Mr. Seyitan Lawani, he had become a paralyzed man after surviving a near death car crash. 

Mr. Seyitan, in his glory days, sat on the throne as a beautiful man with shoulders, sitting so high and unperturbed as though it had no reason reason to look down, his graciously chiseled face and his skin which carried a tone that reminded me of freshly brewed coffee, Mr. Seyitan Lawani in all entirety was a train of appeal to behold. 

 He was an outstanding architect, one of the city’s top socialites and a rising fashion mogul who effortlessly graced magazine covers for his contrasting style and elegance. 

Mr. Seyla, as he fancied to be called, was often still cheerful even after being served abusive doses of life’s bitter pills, it seemed like he woke up everyday soaked up in a new high of happiness, it was pleasing to see that he chose to try to be happy. 

                                          •••

I woke up to the home phone buzzing ceaselessly, happy that it had woken me up from a nap I shouldn’t have been taking, I leaped up from the chair I dozed on. I picked up the phone, The male voice on the other side of the line was a bit husky but vaguely familiar, it was Jesse, one of Mr. Seyla’s junior staff I had seen on my first day taking care of Mr seyla.

 ‘Erm, sisi nurse, abi what’s that your name again, send my greetings to your boss,’ Jesse said while ending his tantrum-like rant about Mr. Seyla never being available to take calls since I was employed, ‘which of my bosses?’ I asked uninterested, he scoffed and asked ‘how many bosses do you have?’

 ‘I work for Mr. Seyla and His wife, Biri, I believe you knew that Mr. Jesse,’ I retorted in a low tone so as not to wake Mr. Seyla whom I left to sleep just before I dozed off. 

‘ehn that one is your business, I am talking about the paralyzed one, stop asking me yeye questions please, send my greetings to him, good day,’ Jesse said rudely just before ending the call.  

It beat me that the press and individuals who used to idolize and revere Mr. Seyla suddenly characterize him only with ‘paralyzed’ and with any and every synonym for ‘paralyzed’ they could find. 

It beat me that the same Jesse, who had come to Mr. Seyla’s house just few weeks ago, who I saw use expressions like ‘É sah, ok sah,’ the same Jesse I heard asking Mr. Seyla, ‘É sah, anytin for the boys?’ countless times that day and shaking one of Mr. Seyla’s hands with two of his, could disrespect the man who he supposedly ‘revered’ just because he was differently abled. 

This!, this is what mama was always trying to make me understand. 

                                      •••

I spent the rest of that evening with Mr. Seyla, he narrated how he got to marry his wife, Biri. 

‘Ahhh, Biri was the talk of the town then, you need to see how men were flocking around her, and I just came and before you knew it, I had Biri swooned and she was all over me, 5 years later, look at us, married,’ He said as his eyes slightly teared up. 

‘Biri is a beautiful woman, you know, in and out, she encourages me and tries to be there for me even when she is sad herself, We’ve tried so hard to have children Nala, so so hard, but it’s been futile and now look at me, paralyzed from the waist down, I know Biri is hurting bad, she’s a strong woman but I can see the hurt,’ Mr. Seyla said with his head slightly bowed. 

I took a deep breath and gave Mr. Seyla a reassuring smile, he smiled back at me looking less tense. 

                                     ••• 

‘Nala, please take me to the backyard for some fresh evening air,’ Mr. Seyla requested. 

‘Will do sir,’ I replied. 

I pushed his wheelchair toward the heart shaped 6ft pool and sat in a chair close by. 

Mr. Seyla and I just sat together, letting the cool of the evening grace us, embedding it into our silence. 

As I watched the clouds slowly go by, each possessing its own distinct shape, intricately fluffed, sitting pretty, basking in the golden presence of the evening sun, it was beautiful, this was the first time I actually looked deep at the evening sky, I wondered how such beauty could usher in dark nights and nighttime scares, it made me think of things yet to come. 

‘Please fetch me drinking water, Nala,’ Mr. Seyla said breaking the silence that seemed to last forever. 

I stood up abruptly, which resulted in a slight headache, I walked briskly to the kitchen, I was anxious while at it, I didn’t know why. 

The bottle of water kept slipping and falling from my hands, ugh, I was so irritated with myself, wondering why I was being so fidgety. 

On getting back to the pool, I saw that Mr. Seyla was no longer on his chair or on any chair at that, with my heart skipping several beats, I walked toward the pool, hoping he wasn’t in it, but my hopes were dashed, there he was, at the bottom of the pool, sunk, lifeless, helpless. 

The adrenaline in me shot up high, I jumped into the pool and pulled him out, I gave him cpr, I tried so hard, until his heart stopped beating, at this point, my ears became hot, I started to cry.

I went in, picked up the phone wondering who to call first, Biri’s workplace or the ambulance. Even if I did, what would I tell them, that Mr. Seyla tried to drown himself or he tripped, if it was the former, then, he wasn’t as happy as I thought he was and it killed me to believe it.

I was still in denial, knowing that the police will pin point me as the prime suspect if this is pronounced as a murder. 

Why did I keep dropping the bottle of water?, why was I such a clumsy fool?, if I had gotten back to the pool side in time, none of this would have happened, I felt so dirty, if I had saved him, Mr. Seyitan will still be alive, to ask me questions, to have me tend to his needs, to tell me what was going on in his mind, although sometimes he chose to be quiet but because of me, he will be quiet again and this time, not at his own will. 

I sat on the floor and started to sob uncontrollably. 

Seyitan Lawani’s POV

Losing things like money is something humans are never really prepared for but if it happens anyway, we always find a way to bounce back. We also are not prepared to be disabled but how do you bounce back from losing control over your body from the waist down?

I puzzled my self with this question everyday, I watched my wife, Biri bury herself in work, she was trying so hard not to lose it, not to look weak, she was doing this for me, after trying ceaselessly to have children in your 4 year marriage, your husband getting paralyzed isn’t exactly the best encouragement, I knew how Biri felt, it hurt me seeing her like that, it hurt me watching her see me live like this. I didn’t want to see her sad anymore. 

                                  

                                 •••

Nala, the God sent live-in nurse, she was wonderful company, she didn’t say much, but I enjoyed having her around, she was there to listen to me cast my burdens, beautiful soul. 

 

We spent the earlier part of the evening talking about how I met and married Biri, well it was more of me narrating and Nala doing the listening as she always did so well. 

I told Nala of myself and Biri’s inability to have children, I could see the reassurance on her face when she looked up at me and smiled, I reciprocated the smile, it made me a little happier that she was there to listen. 

I never really asked Nala if she was doing okay emotionally, she was my emotional trust whenever Biri wasn’t around and I honestly hoped she didn’t think I was selfish, I always just hoped Nala was doing fine. 

                                 •••

I really didn’t want to spend another day living in pain, I was used to putting up a faux show of happiness whenever I’m around people, I didn’t want them to worry too much, I already was getting enough sympathy. 

I asked Nala to take me outside to feel the evening breeze, it had been a while since I had done that, Nala and I sat in silence, staring at the clouds, I wondered what it’d be in that beautiful place the Lord’s Book describes that’s sitting above the clouds, would I be happier there?

I thought about it deeply, but I didn’t want to leave Biri, she means the world to me, and I was set to return back to work in a month, I loved my job, Biri and I could adopt a child if she’s willing to and we can still have ours when the the earth sees fit to give us one.

My life would fall into place slowly, it won’t exactly go back to what it was before but at least, I’d have a teaspoon taste of how my life used to be. I didn’t need this, I didn’t need to leave this world and the predicaments it provided me. 

I then became dry mouthed, I asked Nala to fetch me drinking water. 

 As I sat alone, wondering what life will birth me in years to come, I saw a colorful butterfly perched on the ground just by my left foot, as I bent slightly to touch it, I tripped, fell and rolled to the edge of the pool and fell in, I couldn’t swim, even if I could swim, I was disabled, I couldn’t stop swallowing water in my bid to call Nala for help, I tried to swim out but my efforts were futile. 

As I sank to the bottom of the pool, I tried to deny death, I felt a cold feeling run through my body, The world around me became blurry as my eyes began to shut, like I was squinting but not with with my own control, I knew at this point, that this was it. 

Thank you for reading...

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CHINWEKENE DANIEL UMEAKA ❤️